im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
where are you?
Hypothermia
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
