My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
