Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
