Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
