a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
