She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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