so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
