she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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