omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
