all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
