new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
