All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I need to align my fucking chakras
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
