I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
