ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
