Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?