It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
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Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
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You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?