and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I spit up blood this morning
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.