my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
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He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
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you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.