Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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