So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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