so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Randomize
