I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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