I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize