my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
