it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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