So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Randomize
