just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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