My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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