I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dear god my vagina.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
