I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
