My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
