God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All the doctor said was why
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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