She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
