I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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