just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I enjoy the company of your penis
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
