I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Two words: nipple clamps
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