Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
