Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
