Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
