College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am midnight drunk by noon
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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