someone threw a dead crab at me
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
