You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
