If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
