I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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