my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
