It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
