There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
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If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
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If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
These tits shall not be calmed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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