Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
