So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
