i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
