You can't special order awesome
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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