I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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