wrigley field is MILF paradise
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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