I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's always time for handjobs
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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