If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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