for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
