you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
