So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
